On Wednesday, February 1, I will travel to the Vipassana Meditation Center in Onalaska, WA for a ten-day Goenka meditation retreat. I am a bit overwhelmed and intimidated, but these are the folks who focus on the body scan, and that has become the foundation for my practice. It helps that we have a friend here on Whidbey Island who has been facilitating these retreats for about 30 years, though he will not be at this one. I notice a process leading up to this, but do not want to intrude on it by blogging about it! Will report back Feb 12!
Off to a ten day silent retreat!
January 27th, 2012Presenting at UKESAD!
January 27th, 2012Exciting news! I have been added to the program at the United Kingdom and Europe Symposium on Addictive Disorders – UKESAD – in London, May 11. The conference theme is on “a strong and stable recovery” and my workshop will be on motivation for maintenance, an almost perfect fit. I will try to develop the same eight “motivational discrepancies” that are the basis for the workbook. My understanding of a motivational discrepancy is a moment of “getting it,” the realization that I cannot have some particular cake and eat it too. Recently saw the movie “Ray” again, saw multiple people try to motivate him, trying to develop discrepancies every single time. At the end, his wife and imaginary mother were effective, with an assist from the FBI.
Some initial feedback on the work book
January 19th, 2012Have received some initial feedback on the workbook, very positive. It comes from people who know me and know my work with the two kinds of relapse thinking. One said,” there isn’t anything comparable out there that I have seen that personalizes relapse syndrome as this does.” However, this same person thought the workbook might require “a clientele that can engage in a little abstract thinking.” And a counselor who tried the workbook in a Suboxone support group reports that they rejected it out of hand, because they weren’t “college students.” Working with this version in individual sessions, I have seen clients struggle with the wording. At this point, I am striving to make it more and more user-friendly. I am actually more interested in the criticisms them the compliments, for that reason. One of my thoughts is to begin directly with the client’s personal experience of the moment of relapse. Another is to include illustrations from the book which give a visual depiction of what the client may be struggling to “get.” A facilitator’s guide, possibly posted on my website, might also help. At the same time, I have attended a workshop on self-publishing. I am very excited about the ability to have a first version out there, on a pay for printing basis, in the next few months.
Resentment and trauma
January 15th, 2012An overlap between resentment and trauma: a fictionalized
client experienced restlessness and boredom and sometimes drank when her
boyfriend left her for the evening to do almost anything fun. Tennis. Poker
night. Bowling. The frequency of this was not great and she was sober most of
the time. When we explored the experience, we made a direct connection to her
being left alone as a child while her single mother drank at the local tavern.
Because of the helplessness involved, I treated this as a trauma and utilized
the “thera-tapper .” Not only did the process not reduce the emotion we had activated, she became more and more aware of how much resentment she had. This, of course, could be dealt with by other means. The lightbulb that went on for me, as a clinician, was that trauma and
resentment have one major element in common. Reliving the earlier experience. And both trigger their fair share of craving and relapse.
My mindfulness credentials and lack thereof
April 23rd, 2009No, I have not studied with the Dalai Lama or even with Jack Kornfield. I have not become a millionaire or a celebrity through my magnetic presence – Oprah has not called. I do not even sit every day.
My start with this practice/subject is Thich Nhat Hanh’s “The Miracle of Mindfulness.” My original copy, purchased after coming back from France in 1995, is falling apart, filled with dated highlights. At least once a week, I open the office copies (two offices, two copies) for some harried soul who complains of not having time for self. Usually, I show them the defining example of Allen realizing that “all time is my time.”
A couple of observations on this book. One, it starts with the idea that we practice mindfulness all day long, that we should not divide our time into “parts.” Then it lays out the critical importance of having a day of mindfulness every week, no matter how urgent our work. This practice seems much more do-able for someone saving the world than it does for someone like my son and his wife, with four young kids.
Another observation. The Miracle of Mindfulness is a resource, but it is not a manual. While NOT exhausting the field of all possible variations, I am most impressed by Terry Fralich’s new book, “Cultivating Lasting Happiness, a 7-Step Guide to Mindfulness,” as a real how-to book for beginners. I attended Terry’s workshop several years ago and retained two things. The power and importance of the soothing exhale. And Terry saying it took him 12 years to be able to sit daily!There is hope for the rest of us!
Back to Thich Nhat Hanh, one of the things I keep from his book is an awareness that mindfulness is bigger than the version that has filtered to the west, which mostly focuses on sitting. Both Terry and Ron Segal, whose wonderful workshop I recently attended, separate “formal” and “informal” practice. “Formal practice” is sitting while “informal” is what one does throughout the day. Could just be me, but maybe they should separate it into “practice” or “preparation” and “performance” or “real life.”
Four or five years ago I spent several half-days in Monterey with Ron Alexander,PhD, who is about to publish the book he was talking about then. His workshop was experiential and powerful, though he butchered his PowerPoint by trying to combine slides from at least two different presentations. He kept getting lost, which I find validating in my own life-long struggle to defeat and/or accept absent-mindedness.
I also attended another PESI workshop on mindfulness, as well as one on Byron Katies “work” which incorporated and emphasized mindfulness. Heard Eckhart Tolle in Seattle, love his descriptions of mindfulness, though he refuses to use the word. My copy of “the Power of Now” is as marked up as my copy of TNH, though I am somewhat disenchanted, for reasons to be addressed in another blog. Most recently, I attended Terry Real’s two-day workshop on “relational mindfulness.” Dynamite! Probably the best workshop I have ever attended. Terry thinking on his feet in one clinical scenario after another. As my British wife might say, Terry was consistently “spot on.”
We are at 500 words. This gives you some idea of my background in “mindfulness” as such. I have not related it (yet) to my clinical training and experience or to my understanding of the Twelve Steps, which cultivate mindfulness in ways implicit and explicit. One blog at a time!
Procrastination: Two Perspectives
April 13th, 2009The universe has provided me with two perspectives on procrastination lately, thought I would share them both as best I can. The first was a tape by recovering psychiatrist Garret O., speaking to an AA conference. The second was Wallace Wilkins, Ph.D, speaking to a group of psychotherapists working in the Employee Assistance Program field in Seattle.
Dr. O. started with the question for his audience, “Who here has found in recovery that procrastination is a serious problem in your life, not just an occasional headache?” This audience responded as all his previous recovering audiences. About 80%. He then developed the theme that procrastination is mostly about shame. By avoiding a project until there is little or no time, we avoid facing how well we might have done. If we had only used all the time. The lack of time becomes a self-created excuse for not testing our true ability. From my point of view, he could as easily have used terms like “inadequacy” or even “performance anxiety,” which seem to be implied.
Dr. Wilkins started from a surprisingly similar place. He has come to see procrastination as an “over-arching” problem in most of his clients, not just alcoholics. The avoidance is not a personality trait, because it is usually specific to certain issues or situations. Dr. Wilkins is a practitioner of rational-emotive therapy and deliberate optimism. He sees coming to therapy itself as procrastination, waiting for the therapist to “fix” me in order to do what needs to be done. The Twelve Steps can also be used to delay change rather than facilitate it. As for Motivational Interviewing and the Stages of Change, anything less than the “Nike” approach – “Just do it!” – is seen as procrastination. Working with “the voice” that tells us otherwise, Dr. Wallace coaches people, in effect, to stop thinking and start acting. To base action on goal rather than mood, feeling, or motivation. He offers a number of tools and anecdotal evidence of effectiveness. One of the best things I heard, for those of you looking to validate your procrastination, was “The second mouse gets the cheese!”
For my part, I heard some truth in both. Dr. O. seems a bit locked in to one “cause.” Dr. W. seems to gloss over some basic realities, one of them being the need for maintenance even after I “just do it.” The latter, by the way, has a website, is an energetic and entertaining speaker. (Google him yourself!)
Wishful thinking as/and denial
March 22nd, 2009It came up as a question in my workshop at Bellevue College on March 7.
I had apparently been discoursing on “wishful thinking” and the rejection of reality.
“What is the difference between ‘wishful thinking’ and ‘denial?’
My answer was, “None.”
I realized later that this may not be tecnically true. As a long-ago client said, “Denial is when you say what is, isn’t.” He might have added that “what ‘is’ is some sort of reality or fact.
What I would now say about wishful thinking is, ” ‘Wishful thinking’ is when you say what isn’t, is.” In other words, they are flip sides of the same coin. The person in denial says “One won’t hurt.” S/he is denying an objective reality, having an addiction that will lead to loss of control and a world of ‘hurt.’ Inseparable from this in-your-face denial is a tacit affirmation that what isn’t, is. Namely, that the person is ‘normal,’ a ‘social drinker/user.’
Now that I think of it, the “wish” is so inseparable from the denial which defends it, I am not going to go back and rewrite my book to clarify which one I am talkiing about at any given moment. In workshops, on the other hand, I may be more precise.
The Heart of Procrastination, sequel
March 14th, 2009Read first entry, below, first!
“Sarah” came back a week later and said she had signed up for her long procrastinated sewing class. After what she had expressed the week before, it was just as crucial to identify what enabled her to act THIS time.
We went over the externals – money available, time, intention, opportunity. All of them had been present at other times. The first time she used the word “control” she reported, “I wanted to show my kids that I am in control of myself.” Seems she had told them of her plan, knew they were old enough to remember.
In essence, Sarah decided it was better to be controlled by (her own desire to be a good role model for) her kids, than by (her own phobia for) not being controlled by ANYONE.
Ownership. Accountability. Such dreary words for getting out of the prison of procrastination.
The Heart of Procrastination
March 9th, 2009I warned “Sarah” she will be quoted, in writing, in workshops, and here on this blog. What she expressed is too precious.
We were looking at yet another decision to NOT do something she wanted to do, would feel good about doing, was looking forward to and,MOST important, she had TIME to do, but did not. Signing up for an advanced sewing class.
As we had her relive the moment of deciding NOT to do something she had time and opportunity to do, exploring the nuances of the experience, she pronounced: “I don’t want to be controlled by anyone, least of all me!”
Of all the procrstinators I have worked with, including myself, no one has ever said it better. The paradox is, that we are relentlessly controlled by this phobia – or is it a taboo? – for BEING controlled. Who was it that said “Freedom is the ability to choose a good master?” Whoever it was, I doubt many of us would say that the Contol Phobia is a good master.
(Blog #4)”Beating Myself Up” as Denial
March 1st, 2009Pseudo-responsibility: “Beating Myself Up” as Denial
“Asshole.”
“Dummy.”
“Stupid.”
“I’m such a fool.”
“I can’t believe I did that (again). I’ll never forgive myself.”
“I’m so ashamed I’d like to crawl in a hole.”
“If I could slug myself, I would.”
Such is the language with which we “beat ourselves up,” after a relapse.
This does not sound, on the surface, like someone “in denial” of a problem. Not until you’ve heard it over and over again, from the same person, someone who has been doing and saying the same thing, for the same reason, time after seemingly endless time.
It turns out that “beating myself up” almost always is part of the problem, not part of the solution. Geneen Roth [4] spells this out poignantly for overeaters in Feeding the Hungry Heart. Show me a person beating himself up for something he or she did or didn’t do — he will show you a person who is going to do or not do that very same thing again.
Consider when we punish people. An infant soils its diapers and causes inconvenience, distasteful odors, perhaps, disgust. Do we punish the infant? Yet the same child, three or four years later, steals a cookie he was expressly told not to eat. Why do we punish him or her? Simply because we think she or he is old enough to at least begin learning to exercise choice and control.
The key here is the assumption that the perpetrator has control.
What is the First Step of all Twelve Step programs?—to admit I am “powerless” over the very behavior for which I have been punishing myself. In other words, the very fact I am punishing myself reveals that I am denying my powerlessness! I haven’t seen enough of my problem to admit I have lost control. I do not really believe that one important AA shoe fits me — that I “have lost the power of choice in drink.” No wonder I can’t solve what I can’t yet see.
And this is just the first level of denial.
A gory metaphor describes my profound denial of a deeper problem that controls me behavior:
compulsive, addictive, repetitive, impulsive, nonassertive, aggressive, self-defeating behavior of virtually all types. Anything we beat ourselves up over — each can be viewed as blood oozing from a wound. Why? Because virtually all such behavior appears to be triggered by painful feelings. Emotional pain is the wound, out of which the behavior flows. This can be true even if the pain originates in biochemistry, or even if such pain would not trigger craving in someone without addictive disease.
So beating myself up is a brilliant distraction from facing the pain which “One won’t hurt” or “F— it avoided in the first place!